Figuring It All Out

Figuring it all out, that's what I'm trying to do....well I'm not trying to figure it all out at once. As I tried to sleep tonight the different fears that I have started running through my brain. Realizing that my first post talked about fears, but really not in any deep way and not really tying it to anything..... That's not to say they didn't have meaning. So it seems as though God is taking me through fears that I am willing to try and conquer which is building up my confidence to conquer the next fear.

Being an independent mother (a phrase I coined in place of single mother, single mother sounds like, "Oh, feel sorry for me"...blah, blah, blah), currently laid off you would think fear would be lurking around every corner of my thoughts. It's not! Which made me look back. Last July/August of 2010 I felt this strange, but wonderful thing (I wish I could have found a better descriptor) going on with me. For a week straight, literally every day, someone would encourage me in a way that was very fulfilling, satisfying, confirming. Now, after that week of "getting filled up", I still was getting filled with positiveness by family and friends and I was drawing closer to God. During that time I felt like God was preparing me for something, I could feel it in my gut. But what? It also felt like it WASN'T something good. Even though I was being positively encouraged, which in turn made me feel even happier, my gut was saying, God's preparing you for something that is going to need extra strength and you are going to need to look back on this as fuel. I prayed continuously over it.

Fast forward to September of 2010, life is good. The company I was working at was bought out by a bigger company. The day I found out, my gut told me "your getting laid off". My prayer partner, Sue B. and I prayed over it everyday. In late November of 2010 I received my lay off notice. I sat there in that chair grinning from ear to ear. I felt a complete and total peace, like I am where I am suppose to be, getting laid off. People in my office would comment that I was "sparkling". It was all God's peace.

So when I was reflecting on why I can conquer some fears and not others a few things came to mind, PRAYER and CONTROL:

The fears that I have absolutely no control over was easy for  me to give over to God and I would just pray over it (not just once, but over and over) and felt a peace and direction.

The fears that I do have control over, well let's take a look. I feared parasailing, being 375' in the air above the ocean being pulled by a speed boat with just a hook and line...hmmm it scared me. But that is what my 11 year old son wanted for his birthday in June 2011. So for weeks before hand I prayed over it asking God to give me courage, to calm my fears to allow me to have this wonderful experience with my son and enjoy it. Well, the day came and I had no fear, I was excited! Glory to God.

So these other fears (which I haven't shared yet), are sitting there. These fears I hold on to, hold the control and I need to give them over to God. I feel like the Israelites who are afraid of the Philistines because they have Goliath, no one wants to be the champion and defeat Goliath, not even the king of Israel, King Saul because they are filled with FEAR. I wonder, how long am I going to carry certain fears around before I have the faith and courage that David had. David came on the scene, heard about Goliath and David defeated Goliath in an instant because of his ridiculously, wonderful faith and love for God.  I want to be David!!! I want to be a champion for Christ!!! (1 Samuel 17 NIV....my pastor is teaching on this, great teachings! I have to site the sermon since I paraphrased from it http://www.lovinggracealliance.com ) I want changes in my life and  the only way that is going to happen is to be like David.

How? I need to be praying daily and earnestly for the fears that hold me back. I saw a pattern, prayer gave me peace and direction.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6,7

Getting Started

Fear. What is it? Why does it hold me back? I have wanted to start a blog for a long time, but haven't. What has held me back? Fear. Fear of I don't know what I'm doing. Fear of no one's going to read this. Fear that I will sound like I'm rambling. I took the plunge. I started my own blog.

It seems I am in a season to face my fears. It's been exciting. The fears I have faced so far have been adventurous in the literal sense. Taking a "ski lift" chair above land and sea (well really a bay). Being that high up with no real security scared the crap out of me. But I did it for my son, who gives me courage. I had to do it twice. I was fine and felt better for it.

Snorkeling. When my friend Rosie took me to the pool to practice snorkeling, as I have never been before, I tried, but the fear of not breathing normally through my nose held me back. I started to cry. I held back the tears because I was like "I'm being such a big sissy!" But I just wanted to cry and let it go. That was the end of the lesson. Putting my foot down as I was holding back my tears trying to be a big girl. "I can't do it, I'm done." However, when you are in the Carribbean Ocean and you have your chance to snorkel and see the beautiful creations of the sea that God blessed us with, you get over your fear and snorkel. And snorkel I did. Beautiful. I was fine. It was actually exciting. I snorkeled. Yeah me.

Then there are the sting rays. When your friends say, "where gonna going swimming with the sting rays." I imagine it's like swimming with the dolphins; in a controlled setting with instructors and tamed sting rays (whatever that means). So when our boat anchored and we are surrounded by wild sting rays you don't get out of the boat. They are called STING rays, not come pet me rays or friendly rays, but STING rays. So I was confused when everyone was in the ocean but me! I couldn't wrap my head around how there were human beings standing in the ocean and hundreds of wild sting rays swimming around being "petted". But this is what we were there for, so I gave it a go. I tried running in the ocean from the sting rays, until my best friend yelled at me, "Mary! You're gonna get stung if you dont' chill out!" So I chilled and watched as sting rays swim against your leg, as your hand hangs in the ocean and the sting rays just swim and let you pet. By the time we left, I had held and kissed a sting ray. Yes kissed a sting ray! Talk about getting over your fear!